While weddings are first and foremost a celebration of a couple cementing their love, they are, traditionally speaking, a family affair.
For traditionally, the father of the bride walks her down the aisle during the ceremony then gives a toast and has the father/daughter dance, followed by the groom dancing with his mother, and more often than not the best man and maid of honor are often siblings, or at the very least in the wedding party.
Naturally, when a family member is alive and well and yet not part of a wedding, suspicions instantly arise as to why this is the case.
Sometimes, family members voluntarily choose not to be an active part of their child, siblings, or parent’s wedding.
On less pleasant occasions however, the invitation was never extended.
The brother-in-law (BIL) of Redditor SoftZookeepergame755 recently got married.
Noticeably absent from being part of the wedding was his mother, the original poster (OP)’s mother-in-law (MIL).
Shortly after the marriage took place, the OP’s MIL confronted her on a chance run-in, demanding to know why she was largely excluded from her son’s wedding, to which the OP gave a very honest response.
Wondering if she went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my MIL she should have tried being a good mom if she wanted the rewards at her sons weddings?”
The OP explained why their MIL was outraged by her honest response to a question she was asked:
“My BIL (husband’s younger brother) had me and my husband act as parents of the groom at his wedding.”
“SIL (their younger sister) and mine and my husband’s children rounded out the ‘groom’s side’ at his wedding.”
“My MIL (their mom), her husband and the children she shares with her husband were there, but they were not counted among the immediate family and were not seated with us at any point.”
“My husband became the father figure to his brother when their father died.”
‘My husband was 10, his brother was 2.”
“MIL was pregnant with SIL at the time.”
“My husband became the head of the household.”
“MIL checked out and she would get angry at my husband for not doing better.”
“The day my husband lost his father, he also lost his mother.”
“She was, and continues to be, so cold to him.”
“She expected so much of a 10 year old and criticized him heavily in the years that followed.”
“He was supposed to get amazing grades, keep the house in order, raise his siblings, help his mom out whenever she wanted to, work when he was old enough and do so without ever complaining or turning to her for help.”
“His grades suffered immediately because of all he went through.”
“Until my husband turned 18 he did 99% of the raising of his younger siblings.”
“They bonded with him in a very special way because of this and I was his friend/girlfriend at the time and I helped so they bonded well with me as well.”
“When my husband was 16 MIL announced she was pregnant and moved in this guy she married in Vegas.”
“Nobody knew anything beforehand.”
“At that point her and my husband’s relationship worsened.”
“Between BIL and SIL not being bonded with her at all, and her trying to take back over some parenting but them rejecting her and my husband not caring to include his half sibling in the parenting he did, it made for a very toxic mess.”
“She wished my husband dead, wished she had aborted him, and did all this in front of me and his siblings.”
“When he moved out she did all she could to stop the siblings seeing each other but BIL and SIL acted out until she gave in.”
“They had a lot of extended sleepovers with us.”
“My husband attempted to win custody of them when we settled enough but MILs household was financially secure so he was denied.”
“But it never changed the fact BIL and SIL wanted us, but mostly him, the brother/father they knew best of all.”
“MIL and her family were not at mine and my husband’s wedding.”
“But as mentioned she was at BILs wedding because he and SIL maintain some contact.”
“In the two weeks since the wedding I ran into MIL at the grocery store.”
“She confronted me.”
“She complained about how unrewarding the wedding was when she was treated like she’s not BILs mom.”
“Said it was my husband’s fault.”
“I told her she should have tried being a good mom if she wanted the rewards at her sons weddings.”
“I walked away right after saying this.”
“Because my husband and I have her blocked everywhere, she can’t reach me but has been giving BIL and SIL a hard time over what I said and calling me a pot-stirrer.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their MIL she wasn’t a “good mom”.
Everyone agreed that though the OP’s words were harsh, her MIL needed to hear them as she had refused to acknowledge her years of neglect and emotional abuse for far too long:
“NTA.”
“She made the bed, now she has to sleep on it.”
“It was she, with her careless attitude, who made her children distance themselves from her.”
“To be honest, I’m surprised that BIL and SIL still talk to her.”- 000-Hotaru_Tomoe
“NTA.”
“Was it the right thing to have said in that moment?”
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“But you are certainly not an a**hole for saying it, and it’s clear to me you were not stirring the pot.”
“MIL did that when she confronted you and blamed you and your husband.”
“You both are handling this situation well overall, particularly blocking her on social media and such.”- cascadia1979
“This is the perfect reply.”
“I always think of the perfect reply 2 hours later when I’m no longer in face to face contact with the cuckoo person.”
“Kudos.”
“NTA.”- QuimbyMcDude
“NTA.”
“I do want to give your husband a hug though.”
“His inner child had to grow up so fast and take on so much.”
“I hope he gets to play with Lego or whatever he needs to heal from that.”- stefaniey
“NTA.”
“This lady literally told at least one of her kids that she wished she had killed him as an infant.”
“That is one of the worst things a parent can tell their child.”
“She was also chronically neglectful and verbally abusive.”
“She should consider herself very lucky that she was allowed at the wedding at all.”-DreamingofRlyeh
“NTA.”
“You didn’t stir anything.”
“She bumped into you at a grocery store and complained at you about a situation you had no control over.”
“If she didn’t want to hear it, she should have been polite and said hi and moved on.”
“You and your husband have extricated yourself from the proverbial boat, which is what SIL and BIL should also do if the rocking bothers them.”
“It’s not for you to steady.”- dryadduinath
“NTA.”
“A very long situation short.”
“You define your family hierarchy.”
“When it comes to a wedding you nominate who was there when you needed them most.”
“End of story.”
“You choose your happy, regardless of birth or marriage.”- Haunting-Juice983
“NTA.”
“If MIL wants a bigger role in their lives she should’ve acted like it starting from ages ago.”
“Getting hurt and riled up over the wedding just shows how entitled she still is.”
“If she really cared that much she should be more into fixing things starting with acknowledging her misdeeds in the past and apologizing without any expectations.”
” A ‘thank you’ to your husband for raising his siblings would be nice.”
“The one stirring up the pot is MIL I think she would’ve gotten mad no matter what you did, unless you bowed down to her and took her side on the matter which would’ve made you an AH to your husband, SIL and BIL.”- MiteMitenai
“NTA.”
“She didn’t fulfill her responsibilities as a mother, but she expects all the rights that come with it.”
“It’s laughable!”
“Does she really not get why she wasn’t treated as immediate family at BIL’s wedding?”
“It’s karma, she’s getting exactly what she deserves!”- Carolyn-L
While it’s fair to say the OP could have chosen her words a bit more carefully, everything she told her MIL was also true.
As in some sad occasions, the truth is always the absolute last thing anyone wants to hear.
The fact that the OP’s MIL could only focus on the lack of attention she received at her son’s wedding only further magnifies her selfish nature.
Once she finally takes someone else’s feelings into consideration, perhaps then, and only then, will any kind of road to forgiveness open up.
